Happiness in Marriage

Several years ago I was thinking about and pondering on what makes my life happy.  I came to the conclusion that I was a lot happier when I was doing more to make my marriage stronger.  When I was giving everything I could to make our home and our marriage work, I was happier and our home was happier.

 

I decided that I needed to give 100 percent all the time.  I needed to work as hard as I possibly could in our marriage.  I stopped keeping track in my mind of whose turn it was to do certain tasks, or if I had done what I felt was my fair share of the chores.  I just did all I could in every way.  Some days I was able to do more than other days.  Real life means that every day is different.  I began to notice that my husband was doing all he could in our marriage.  He was doing his 100 percent all along, but now I noticed it more easily.

We have an eternal marriage, and have made covenants that we intend to keep.  We are human, however, and so that means that each of us will make mistakes, but we have learned how important it is to repent often and to forgive quickly.

 

Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his talk “Covenant Marriage” explains that marriage is tested by three kinds of wolves.  One of those wolves is the imperfections of each of the partners in a marriage.  I think we all know how easy it is to see imperfections in ourselves and others.  They often leap out at us on a daily basis.  I have found that I need to be softer and kinder to myself and those around me as we all work on improving.  It is so important to look for the very best in people around us, especially our spouses.  We will find what we look for, and when we look for the best things we will notice them.

I often think of an experience my husband and I had when we were newlyweds.  I had heard or read somewhere that it was a good idea to have a weekly discussion about what could improve one’s marriage.  I had a couple of ideas of what my husband could do differently that I thought would make things better.  I think I shared one of those things in our little discussion and then asked him to tell me what I could do differently.  He was quiet and thought for a minute then said that he thought everything was going great.  Well, I couldn’t say anything more after that.  I was a little miffed that my big plans didn’t work out the way I had intended.

I believe that it is certainly important for a husband and wife to discuss how things are going in their marriage, but it is essential that they do it in a very loving manner and be careful not to point fingers of criticism at one another.  In a covenant marriage husband and wife are more concerned about each other than about themselves.  They are willing to give all they can, even 100 percent, to each other and to their marriage.  This will bring happiness and joy to their lives and to their home. 

What is Marriage?

The recent decision by a majority of Supreme Court justices legalizing same-sex marriage has far-reaching effects for many people.  How is it possible that a small group of highly educated appointed lawyers can make changes to the laws of a country which affect a fundamental social law? A natural law that is the basis in the formation of a family? Marriage has been between a man and a woman throughout civilization and provides a stable home for children to be born and raised.

In his dissenting argument Chief Justice Roberts reminds us that, “The constitution protects a right to marry. . . .The real question. . .is what constitutes “marriage,” or – more precisely—who decides what constitutes “marriage”? Even the majority acknowledges that marriage “has existed for millennia and across civilizations.”  Two terms ago the Court explained, “until recent years, . .  marriage between a man and a woman no doubt had been thought of by most people as essential to the very definition of that term and to its role and function throughout the history of civilization.”

I so agree with Judge Roberts further statement. “The premises supporting this concept of marriage are so fundamental that they rarely require articulation. The human race must procreate to survive. Procreation occurs through sexual relations between a man and a woman. When sexual relations result in the conception of a child, that child’s prospects are generally better if the mother and father stay together rather than going their separate ways. Therefore, for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond. Society has recognized that bond as marriage. And by bestowing a respected status and material benefits on married couples, society encourages men and women to conduct sexual relations within marriage rather than without. As one prominent scholar put it, “Marriage is a socially arranged solution for the problem of getting people to stay together and care for children that the mere desire for children, and the sex that makes children possible, does not solve.”

   

When this decision from the court was made public last summer, I was saddened that these Justices could make such a decision.  I, honestly, had not read the proceedings until recently, but I found that my feelings mirror those of the words of Chief Justice Roberts.  Marriage is to be between a man and a woman. The natural union of this married couple could produce children, and a committed marriage is the ideal situation to raise, teach, and nurture children.

Scripture teaches that God created male and female, and then commanded that man should “cleave unto his wife.” Marriage between a man and a woman is the beginning of a new family, a new unit of society.  God has commanded that sexual relations are to be only within the bonds of marriage.  When this results in the procreation of the species, when children are born to the family, the committed father and mother are in the best position to raise their children.

Any other bond between two people of the same gender is not marriage.  It may be a committed relationship, it may be a declared union, but it is not marriage.  Marriage is the union between a man and a woman.  That does not change simply because five judges decided that the definition should change.     

Preserving Marriage

Quite a few years ago I got a phone call in the middle of the afternoon from a friend. She was very upset and in tears. She had just found confirming evidence that her husband of over 15 years had been having an affair for some time. I was unaware of her troubled marriage, and her news was a shock to me.

Later that evening I talked with my husband about what was going on in my friend’s marriage and gave him a hug, telling him that I was glad that our marriage was strong and that we would never have to worry about something like that happening to us. My husband did something I have never forgotten. He pulled away and put his hands on my shoulders. Very seriously he said that there are no guarantees in a marriage, that it takes work to have a strong marriage. It doesn’t just happen.

Why should couples put forth the effort to repair a troubled marriage or to make their marriage stronger? If two married people feel that they are falling out of love, who does it hurt if they decide they would be happier if they were no longer married? Strong marriages are very important to more than just the couple involved. Research has shown that strong marriages contribute to strong communities. The family is the fundamental unit of society, and a couple working together to have a strong marriage provide stability to their children and each other as well as to the community in which they live.( The State of Our Unions, 2012)

Children who are raised in families where the mother and father are married are more likely to have the advantages of a good education and a happily married life of their own. On the other hand, children who have experienced divorce in their families tend to struggle for years because of it. Studies indicate that these children suffer economically, psychologically, and later in their own marriages. (The State of Our Unions, 2012)

Elder Dallin H Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gives advice to those in troubled marriages. I feel this same advice can be used to keep marriages strong. He says, “Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages. . . . .To avoid so-called “incompatibility,” they should be best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other’s needs, always seeking to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things.”

Elder Oaks continues with his guidance further stating, “ Of course, there can be times when one spouse falls short and the other is wounded and feels pain. When that happens, the one who is wronged should balance current disappointments against the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future.
Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. . . . Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs, to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships.”

This is very valuable advice for every married person.

I also have a few points of advice I would like to offer:

• Be the best person you can be. 
• Pray and read scripture together. 
• Be concerned about the welfare of your spouse. 
• Repent often and forgive quickly. 
• Have fun, dance in the kitchen, sing with the radio. 
• Make time for a date night each week, just the two of you.

A strong marriage is something worth working for. Strong marriages and families make society stronger and more unified.

My husband and me, 1980 to 2015. 

Welcome to my blog!

Welcome to this blog where I will share my thoughts and feelings about things that are important to me. One of the most important things to me is my marriage and my family.