Choose Humility

Today I asked my husband how he thought I would react should he request that I change something to make our marriage better.  He thought for a minute then said that I would probably fall down in astonishment and amazement that he had asked such a thing.  Then I would most likely get back up and say, ”Oh, okay,” and go do it.  Well, we both laughed about that because I am kind of a stubborn person and he is very gentle and kind and rarely asks anything of me. 

I do, however, remember a time many years ago when my husband gave a family home evening lesson to our family, but I recognized that the subject matter was especially for me.  He didn’t say anything specifically to me, but I knew the lesson material was something I needed to work on more than our children, who were young at the time.  I secretly kind of resented his lesson even though I knew I needed to improve in this area.  I was being proud.

In President Benson’s talk, “Beware of Pride,” he reminds us that: “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.” 

 When we are proud we feel that our way is the right way. We feel that we need not change, but instead others should change to accommodate us. Of course, this is pride speaking. 

President Benson further teaches: “The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”

I had been wrong, and I needed to change. It is obvious that I knew my actions needed correcting since I recognized my short comings in my husband’s family home evening lesson.  So I gave myself a little talking to, and worked on overcoming that particular fault. It took work to get over my pride. I needed to make an effort to become more humble and teachable in our marriage.

The words of President Benson teach me every day: “We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.” It is true that the only way I can become the person I want to be is to be willing to change.  Sometimes I may receive promptings from the Spirit on how I should change, or I may recognize behaviors that I need to change after I have read something, such as a book on marriage. I may also receive gentle reminders from my husband.  I just need to be humble enough to recognize where I should change and not let pride get in the way.

*Disclaimer: My husband does not remember giving the family home evening lesson. He says he should have just talked to me about the issue.  Personally, I think I was probably more teachable through the lesson he taught. 

An Eternal Perspective

Earlier this week while driving on a country road I noticed the message board in front of a small Christian church.  It said, “A happy marriage is two people who are really good at forgiving.”  Isn’t that the truth?  We all need to be really good at forgiving every day.  Having faith in Jesus Christ will help us be able to do this.

In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard recounts the experience of Jesus casting out an evil spirit from a young boy.  After the boy’s father implores Jesus to heal his possessed child, Jesus told the father, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23). 

Dr. Goddard says, “The question is not whether Jesus is able to heal. The question is whether we believe in Him.” I love the response from the father of the boy when asked by Jesus if he could believe.  The father cried, “Lord, I believe; help though mine unbelief” (Mark 9:24).  Through faith and belief in Jesus each of us can be healed and be better people.

Many years ago I allowed myself to become angry and worked up over a financial decision in our marriage. I knew I was wrong to be angry, but I couldn’t let go of my evil feelings. I knew that I had to let go of those hard feelings, but I was having such a difficult time doing so.  I struggled to find peace.  I prayed for help to get over this and to be able to forgive. Finally the thought came to me, “Is this amount of money really worth all the anger?  Isn’t your marriage more important than this?”

That was the answer I needed. Yes, I thought, my marriage is much more important than any amount of money.  I needed to repent of my anger.  I needed to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to heal my angry heart. Only when I allowed the Savior to help me become a better person was I able to let go of those evil thoughts.  Faith in my Savior did heal me and I was able to completely forgive.

I am human, and so is my husband. We will make mistakes, and take offense, and have struggles. We must continue to have faith in Jesus Christ and rely on Him to strengthen our marriage.  If we believe and let Him, He will.  When I needed help letting go of anger and frustration the Lord gave me the necessary strength to do so.  I must always rely on the Savior to heal and help me in my efforts to be a better spouse and to have an eternal perspective at all times. 

Sharing is Caring

When my husband and I were newly married we sometimes would play a game to get to know each other better. We were developing our love maps, I suppose.  

I am naturally more talkative and open than he is and so I wanted to get him talking more about himself. He said he would answer any question I asked him and so I would think of all kinds of obscure questions and scenarios and fire away at him.  True to his word he shared his feelings more easily when asked specific questions, and it was great to learn little stories and quirks about him. 

Well, life got busy. Our little family grew.  We experienced many moves, stressful employment situations, and church and community service opportunities--basically real life. It is easy to get too busy and along the way forget to keep up with all the little details of each other’s lives.  Being busy can be a good thing, but being too busy to stay connected is not.  

In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman we learn how to stay connected as a couple through building Love Maps. As I read the questions Dr. Gottman suggested a couple ask each other in order to strengthen their love maps, I realized this is something my husband and I could still work on.  Even though we have been married a long time we need to continue to strengthen our marriage by actively sharing the little and big details of our joys and sorrows. 

When a couple makes the time and effort to keep their marriage and friendship strong by staying interested in each other it will only lead to good things.  I want to avoid the “habit of inattention” that Dr. H. Wallace Goddard warns against in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  We must be careful so that we avoid having “only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses.”  This takes effort and being willing to open up and trust each other.  It also means that we’ve got each other’s back. We need to keep confidences and respect each other’s wishes and weaknesses.

It is important that a husband and wife care more for their spouse than for themselves.  This won’t always come naturally or be easy, but to have a happy marriage it is essential.  This sacrifice will bring so many blessings to the husband or wife who is willing to sacrifice for their beloved spouse.  I loved the quote in Dr. Goddard’s book by Tzvetan Todorov:

“To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

Devoting my time and energy to the well-being of my spouse will only bring happiness to our marriage.  If I can remember this, it will always be worth the effort. There may be times when I let the influence of the adversary sneak in and affect my actions.  I may be in a grumpy mood and not want to listen, or I may feel irritated and not want to open up.  

But this is when I need to remember what repentance is all about.  Repentance means we are willing to change, to let the Lord take our lives and change us for the better.  I love the words of Dr. Goddard concerning repentance:

 “Repentance is simply the process by which we shed the world’s inferior ways and embrace God’s superior ways. We discard our worn, tired old garments in favor of God’s robes of graciousness.”

Sharing thoughts and feelings, listening to my husband and remembering his needs, caring more for him than myself, and recognizing when I need to repent.  These are all good things I can work on that will make my marriage stronger every day. 

Letting Go of the Natural Man

A couple of weeks ago, just as this course was starting, I asked my husband of 35 years, and a recently released bishop, what he thought was the secret of a happy marriage.  He sat quietly thinking for a few minutes and I sat waiting, honestly a little anxious to hear his answer.  

When he spoke, I was a little surprised by what he said.  He said he thought the key to a happy marriage was not to get so worked up over things.  I didn’t have anything to say to that.  I did have a few thoughts running through my head, mostly having to do with me getting a little worked up over his answer.  

I repeated back to him, “Oh, the secret is to not get worked up over things?” 

“Yeah,” he said.  

“Can I quote you on that?” I asked him. 

“Sure,” was his answer.  I didn’t know when I would use his words of wisdom, but I tucked his answer in the back of my mind for future reference.

As I sat contemplating the message of the introduction to Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” and as I read the notes I had jotted down after rereading it, my husband’s answer to my earlier question came to mind.  The main message from Goddard’s introduction is that as we use the Atonement of Christ to let go of our natural man tendencies of looking out for ourselves we can become a changed person.

Goddard says, “When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.”  

I think this is what my husband meant by his answer of “Not getting so worked up over things.”  When a person is living a Christ-like life he or she is more likely to be willing to let things of small consequence go by the wayside. It is easier to let little things that don’t really matter not bother you, or cause you to get angry.

One of my favorite scriptures, one that I often quote to myself when I need a good teaching moment, is about charity, “the pure love of Christ.”  I usually quote from Moroni 7:45, but nearly the same words can be found in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. I learn that “charity. . .is kind, and envieth not, is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked. . . .”  These are good lessons to be reminded of every day.  These are lessons that can be used in marriage.  I have a quote from Elder Marvin J. Ashton hanging in our kitchen that helps remind me what it means to be a charitable spouse.

 

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

Through living the teachings of Christ and loving as Jesus loved, we can let go of our natural man tendencies to get worked up over little things.  We can use the Savior’s teachings in our lives to become more like Him.  We don’t even have to do it alone.  When we go to the Lord in humility, and ask for help to be able to let go of those feelings of frustration or hurt, He will heal us.  He will make us better people.  

Goddard teaches, “The key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person—to be born again—to be a new creature in Christ.” We can rely on the Savior to make each of us a new person, a person that will be able to rise above the natural man tendencies and be a wonderful partner in a marriage.