Sharing is Caring

When my husband and I were newly married we sometimes would play a game to get to know each other better. We were developing our love maps, I suppose.  

I am naturally more talkative and open than he is and so I wanted to get him talking more about himself. He said he would answer any question I asked him and so I would think of all kinds of obscure questions and scenarios and fire away at him.  True to his word he shared his feelings more easily when asked specific questions, and it was great to learn little stories and quirks about him. 

Well, life got busy. Our little family grew.  We experienced many moves, stressful employment situations, and church and community service opportunities--basically real life. It is easy to get too busy and along the way forget to keep up with all the little details of each other’s lives.  Being busy can be a good thing, but being too busy to stay connected is not.  

In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman we learn how to stay connected as a couple through building Love Maps. As I read the questions Dr. Gottman suggested a couple ask each other in order to strengthen their love maps, I realized this is something my husband and I could still work on.  Even though we have been married a long time we need to continue to strengthen our marriage by actively sharing the little and big details of our joys and sorrows. 

When a couple makes the time and effort to keep their marriage and friendship strong by staying interested in each other it will only lead to good things.  I want to avoid the “habit of inattention” that Dr. H. Wallace Goddard warns against in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  We must be careful so that we avoid having “only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses.”  This takes effort and being willing to open up and trust each other.  It also means that we’ve got each other’s back. We need to keep confidences and respect each other’s wishes and weaknesses.

It is important that a husband and wife care more for their spouse than for themselves.  This won’t always come naturally or be easy, but to have a happy marriage it is essential.  This sacrifice will bring so many blessings to the husband or wife who is willing to sacrifice for their beloved spouse.  I loved the quote in Dr. Goddard’s book by Tzvetan Todorov:

“To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

Devoting my time and energy to the well-being of my spouse will only bring happiness to our marriage.  If I can remember this, it will always be worth the effort. There may be times when I let the influence of the adversary sneak in and affect my actions.  I may be in a grumpy mood and not want to listen, or I may feel irritated and not want to open up.  

But this is when I need to remember what repentance is all about.  Repentance means we are willing to change, to let the Lord take our lives and change us for the better.  I love the words of Dr. Goddard concerning repentance:

 “Repentance is simply the process by which we shed the world’s inferior ways and embrace God’s superior ways. We discard our worn, tired old garments in favor of God’s robes of graciousness.”

Sharing thoughts and feelings, listening to my husband and remembering his needs, caring more for him than myself, and recognizing when I need to repent.  These are all good things I can work on that will make my marriage stronger every day.