To Advise or Not To Advise

My husband and I are very blessed to have two wonderful daughters-in-law and one great son-in-law.  It has brought us great joy to see our older children find spouses, marry, and have great life experiences with their families.  We feel much the same as James M. Harper and Suzanne Frost Olson stated in their article, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family” concerning parents and grown children. They said, “One of the great joys of growing older can be witnessing a child find a husband or wife and helping the couple create a strong marital identity.”  This is something that I have had to learn. Just as new parents have to learn how to care for a baby, I had to learn how to be a helpful mother-in-law without being intrusive.

When our oldest son became engaged to his sweetheart my husband and I were very excited and happy for them.  They were both finishing their degrees at BYU and were finding furnishings for their new apartment.  My husband and I live across the country, but I was visiting my parents in northern Utah and so I took a trip down to Provo to help my son and his fiancé.  As we drove around together finding bargains for them, I found myself excitedly offering all kinds of advice to them. I tried to restrain myself, but my enthusiasm would get the best of me and then off I would go, sharing my opinion.  The two of them were good sports, but I finally said, “Listen, I’m trying to be good and not offer advice and I will still work on it, but please just ignore me if you don’t like what I am saying.”  We all laughed.  This was about ten years ago, and fortunately I have gotten a lot better about keeping my opinions to myself.

 

We live far away from all of our married children, so we cherish the time together when they come to visit and when we are able to visit them.  Sometimes we are aware of things they do that may be different than what we would have done, but we have learned it is best to not offer advice unless they ask for it. Even then, when they do ask we are careful to be sensitive with what advice we give. 

We have a great relationship with our kids and their spouses and I think this has helped.  In fact, one of our daughters-in-law wrote us a note saying how much she appreciated us not interfering in their affairs.  I know we have made mistakes, but we keep trying to support our children and the choices they make. 

Equality in Marriage

When the Lord created Adam and Eve He said that Eve was “an help meet” for Adam. From Howard W. Hunter we learn that “meet” means equal.  God intended husbands and wives to be equal in their partnership.  Equal does not mean the same, but that they each have an equal part in the marriage. 

I have been blessed to be part of a marriage where both partners feel equal, much the same as President Gordon B. Hinckley defined it: “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”

Unfortunately I have seen marriages where this equality is not the case.  I have seen men dominate their wives and use words that are ugly and demeaning.  I have known situations where a wife was told by her husband that because he held the priesthood, she needed to do everything he said. This is very sad and it is not right. This is not how our Father in Heaven intended marriages to be.

President Hinckley teaches: “Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibility and aspirations he or she might have.”  

I love President Hinckley’s words of direction that husbands and wives should encourage and help each other in whatever it is they want to do. This reminds me of Dr. Gottman’s advice that spouses should learn of each other’s dreams and help them to achieve those dreams.  This is what true friends do. They help each other become the very best they can.  They encourage each other and work together as equals.  

As husbands and wives strive to be equals in their marriage they become unified and become one.

Password Protected

We live in a time and age when most of us use passwords on our computer or phone on a daily basis. We use passwords for accounts at our places of employment, conducting online banking, interacting through social media, signing onto online classes, even to do family history work on the computer.

One way I have found to keep thoughts of my sweetheart ever on the forefront of my mind is to create passwords that have something to do with him. There are lots of combinations of letters and numbers to cryptically bring to mind a spouse or loved one as you type the characters into the computer.  Some ideas are i<3_____(name or pet name of spouse), m8s4evr,  iam14you (substitute names or pet names if you like). You get the idea.  Why do I think this is such a good idea?  Well, every time I type the password, it is like sending a little reminder to myself of how much I love my husband, and how important he is to me.

Remembering how much I love my husband and how I cherish our marital vows is an important initial step in keeping relationships with others in proper perspective. It is very important to take every precaution to keep our marriages and spouses at the top of our priorities. There are many influences in the world around us that can tempt and seduce, and we need to always be on guard to prevent even a hint of trouble.  

Wallace Goddard provides a good list of guidelines in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, to help us monitor any actions or thoughts that may prove dangerous to a marriage.

These are some of the areas he says to be aware of to keep marriage covenants secure:

• ·         Be aware of feelings of lust. Control your mind and do not allow lustful or romantic feelings for another man or woman. Do not give in to inappropriate media consumption.
• ·         Be very cautious about spending time alone with someone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse.  You and your spouse should be open with each other and not let anyone else come between you.
• ·         The only person you should be trying to win the affection of is your spouse.   Watch and guard yourself.
• ·         Your heart should dwell only on your spouse. If there is someone other than your spouse who you are worried about, pray for them and turn it over to Heavenly Father.
• ·         Be honest with yourself.  If you are making excuses to continue a relationship that deep down you know is not right, get help. 
• ·         Make sure you spend fun time together with your spouse on a weekly date.  Look for things you can do to make your marriage stronger. Love your spouse the way he or she it. Trust the Lord and be patient.
• ·         Stay strong spiritually. Pray to be able resist temptation (Alma 34:39). Study the scriptures and serve your family and others.
• ·         Enjoy, love, and trust your spouse. Give your whole heart, mind, and body to each other and no one else.

 To keep a marriage strong both partners must actively work to resist any temptations that will come.  We need to remember the prophetic counsel given in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World: “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. . . .” I need to show my husband how important our marriage is to me by loving and caring for him with all my heart.  The words of Brother Goddard tell of a promise that I believe is true. He says:

Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.

 In my small way of using passwords on a daily basis to remind me of my husband and our love for each other, I keep kind and loving thoughts of him at the front of my mind.  This is a fun, easy way to help me remember who and what is truly important in my life.

Charity in Marriage

I believe the secret to happiness in marriage is having charity. When we have charity towards another person we are able to see them as Jesus sees them. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard reminds us how important it is to have charity towards others. He says:

“We choose to see each other the way ordinary mortals see each other,or we choose to see each other the way Jesus sees us.That is charity, the mind of Christ.”

I have a choice in how I see and act towards my husband. Listen to the qualities that define charity as listed in the Book of Mormon.

We learn that Charity: 

• ·         Suffereth long
• ·         Is Kind
• ·         Envieth not
• ·         Seeketh not her own
• ·         Is not easily provoked
• ·         Thinketh no evil
• ·         Rejoiceth not in iniquity
• ·         Rejoiceth in the truth
• ·         Beareth all things
• ·         Believeth all things
• ·         Hopeth all things
• ·         Endureth all things   (Moroni 7:45)

I can think of many times in my marriage when the words from this scripture have helped me overcome the natural person I am inclined to be.  Maybe I was irritated by something my husband did, or by circumstances outside our marriage and I acted without charity. Being charitable does not come naturally to me. It is something that I am constantly working on.  But I believe having charity is essential to a happy marriage. It is, after all, the pure love of Christ. Charity means loving the way Jesus loved.

I think Father in Heaven knew that because it is so important for us to have charity, the pure love of Christ, that it would not come easily to most of us. That is why he instructs us to pray fervently for this divine quality, this gift. We are taught in the scriptures to “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love. . . ” (Moroni 7:48).

This brings me such hope. We are given a list of qualities that will bring us happiness even if they are challenging to do. But we have a way that we can succeed. We are commanded to pray “with all the energy of heart” to have these gifts become part of our lives. The Lord has promised many times in the scriptures that we must “ask, and it shall be given unto you . . .(3 Nephi 14:7).  Our Father wants so very much to bless us, but we must ask so He can give us these qualities.

It is only when we have these Christ-like qualities that we will be able to rise above the natural man our wants.

When we have charity we will be able to think more of our spouse and our marriage than ourselves. Then we will know the secret to a happy marriage.

Helping One Another

Every marriage will have times of stress and disagreement and each marriage partner has his or her own way of managing life and all that comes with it. There will be times when it can seem as if both husband and wife agree on nearly everything, while other times there may be a myriad of differences.

However, if a couple will love and respect each other and commit to help and to be helped by each other, those differences and disagreements will not become so severe as to damage their marriage.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains that: “When a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise.”  

It is important to show respect to your spouse at all times and treat them like royalty even when there is stress at home. It can also take great patience to help one another other.

 

I am reminded of an experience in my marriage when my husband was patient and helped me see how I could become a better person. 

I was under a lot of stress with our children and my church calling and wasn’t handling the situation very well.  Even little things would cause me become short tempered. My sweet, patient husband suggested that he and I go out for some time together, just the two of us. I agreed and we went on our date. But I still had a lot on my mind and wasn’t able to be totally in the moment. While we were out I got a call on my cell phone that I decided I needed to take.  Not even realizing what I was doing, I was very nice and polite to the person who had called me.  When I finished the call, my husband quietly pointed out what had just happened.  I sat quietly for a minute and I realized that I needed to change.  I realized that if I could talk politely to an acquaintance on the phone, then I could make the choice to treat my family better.

Even though my stressful situation didn’t change, I tried to handle it better. I prayed that I would be able to have the strength to use self control to treat my husband and children with respect and politeness. The Lord has taught us that there is no room for contention in our lives. 

Jesus teaches: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father on contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:29-30).

The Lord will help each of us become better and overcome our sins. He has given the commandment to have no contention in our lives.  With the Lord's help and that of our loved ones we can improve. When I was stressed and needed help having more self control and less contention in my life, my sweet husband helped me see how I could do that.

Choose Humility

Today I asked my husband how he thought I would react should he request that I change something to make our marriage better.  He thought for a minute then said that I would probably fall down in astonishment and amazement that he had asked such a thing.  Then I would most likely get back up and say, ”Oh, okay,” and go do it.  Well, we both laughed about that because I am kind of a stubborn person and he is very gentle and kind and rarely asks anything of me. 

I do, however, remember a time many years ago when my husband gave a family home evening lesson to our family, but I recognized that the subject matter was especially for me.  He didn’t say anything specifically to me, but I knew the lesson material was something I needed to work on more than our children, who were young at the time.  I secretly kind of resented his lesson even though I knew I needed to improve in this area.  I was being proud.

In President Benson’s talk, “Beware of Pride,” he reminds us that: “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.” 

 When we are proud we feel that our way is the right way. We feel that we need not change, but instead others should change to accommodate us. Of course, this is pride speaking. 

President Benson further teaches: “The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”

I had been wrong, and I needed to change. It is obvious that I knew my actions needed correcting since I recognized my short comings in my husband’s family home evening lesson.  So I gave myself a little talking to, and worked on overcoming that particular fault. It took work to get over my pride. I needed to make an effort to become more humble and teachable in our marriage.

The words of President Benson teach me every day: “We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.” It is true that the only way I can become the person I want to be is to be willing to change.  Sometimes I may receive promptings from the Spirit on how I should change, or I may recognize behaviors that I need to change after I have read something, such as a book on marriage. I may also receive gentle reminders from my husband.  I just need to be humble enough to recognize where I should change and not let pride get in the way.

*Disclaimer: My husband does not remember giving the family home evening lesson. He says he should have just talked to me about the issue.  Personally, I think I was probably more teachable through the lesson he taught. 

An Eternal Perspective

Earlier this week while driving on a country road I noticed the message board in front of a small Christian church.  It said, “A happy marriage is two people who are really good at forgiving.”  Isn’t that the truth?  We all need to be really good at forgiving every day.  Having faith in Jesus Christ will help us be able to do this.

In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard recounts the experience of Jesus casting out an evil spirit from a young boy.  After the boy’s father implores Jesus to heal his possessed child, Jesus told the father, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23). 

Dr. Goddard says, “The question is not whether Jesus is able to heal. The question is whether we believe in Him.” I love the response from the father of the boy when asked by Jesus if he could believe.  The father cried, “Lord, I believe; help though mine unbelief” (Mark 9:24).  Through faith and belief in Jesus each of us can be healed and be better people.

Many years ago I allowed myself to become angry and worked up over a financial decision in our marriage. I knew I was wrong to be angry, but I couldn’t let go of my evil feelings. I knew that I had to let go of those hard feelings, but I was having such a difficult time doing so.  I struggled to find peace.  I prayed for help to get over this and to be able to forgive. Finally the thought came to me, “Is this amount of money really worth all the anger?  Isn’t your marriage more important than this?”

That was the answer I needed. Yes, I thought, my marriage is much more important than any amount of money.  I needed to repent of my anger.  I needed to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to heal my angry heart. Only when I allowed the Savior to help me become a better person was I able to let go of those evil thoughts.  Faith in my Savior did heal me and I was able to completely forgive.

I am human, and so is my husband. We will make mistakes, and take offense, and have struggles. We must continue to have faith in Jesus Christ and rely on Him to strengthen our marriage.  If we believe and let Him, He will.  When I needed help letting go of anger and frustration the Lord gave me the necessary strength to do so.  I must always rely on the Savior to heal and help me in my efforts to be a better spouse and to have an eternal perspective at all times.