To Advise or Not To Advise

My husband and I are very blessed to have two wonderful daughters-in-law and one great son-in-law.  It has brought us great joy to see our older children find spouses, marry, and have great life experiences with their families.  We feel much the same as James M. Harper and Suzanne Frost Olson stated in their article, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family” concerning parents and grown children. They said, “One of the great joys of growing older can be witnessing a child find a husband or wife and helping the couple create a strong marital identity.”  This is something that I have had to learn. Just as new parents have to learn how to care for a baby, I had to learn how to be a helpful mother-in-law without being intrusive.

When our oldest son became engaged to his sweetheart my husband and I were very excited and happy for them.  They were both finishing their degrees at BYU and were finding furnishings for their new apartment.  My husband and I live across the country, but I was visiting my parents in northern Utah and so I took a trip down to Provo to help my son and his fiancé.  As we drove around together finding bargains for them, I found myself excitedly offering all kinds of advice to them. I tried to restrain myself, but my enthusiasm would get the best of me and then off I would go, sharing my opinion.  The two of them were good sports, but I finally said, “Listen, I’m trying to be good and not offer advice and I will still work on it, but please just ignore me if you don’t like what I am saying.”  We all laughed.  This was about ten years ago, and fortunately I have gotten a lot better about keeping my opinions to myself.

 

We live far away from all of our married children, so we cherish the time together when they come to visit and when we are able to visit them.  Sometimes we are aware of things they do that may be different than what we would have done, but we have learned it is best to not offer advice unless they ask for it. Even then, when they do ask we are careful to be sensitive with what advice we give. 

We have a great relationship with our kids and their spouses and I think this has helped.  In fact, one of our daughters-in-law wrote us a note saying how much she appreciated us not interfering in their affairs.  I know we have made mistakes, but we keep trying to support our children and the choices they make. 

Equality in Marriage

When the Lord created Adam and Eve He said that Eve was “an help meet” for Adam. From Howard W. Hunter we learn that “meet” means equal.  God intended husbands and wives to be equal in their partnership.  Equal does not mean the same, but that they each have an equal part in the marriage. 

I have been blessed to be part of a marriage where both partners feel equal, much the same as President Gordon B. Hinckley defined it: “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”

Unfortunately I have seen marriages where this equality is not the case.  I have seen men dominate their wives and use words that are ugly and demeaning.  I have known situations where a wife was told by her husband that because he held the priesthood, she needed to do everything he said. This is very sad and it is not right. This is not how our Father in Heaven intended marriages to be.

President Hinckley teaches: “Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibility and aspirations he or she might have.”  

I love President Hinckley’s words of direction that husbands and wives should encourage and help each other in whatever it is they want to do. This reminds me of Dr. Gottman’s advice that spouses should learn of each other’s dreams and help them to achieve those dreams.  This is what true friends do. They help each other become the very best they can.  They encourage each other and work together as equals.  

As husbands and wives strive to be equals in their marriage they become unified and become one.

Password Protected

We live in a time and age when most of us use passwords on our computer or phone on a daily basis. We use passwords for accounts at our places of employment, conducting online banking, interacting through social media, signing onto online classes, even to do family history work on the computer.

One way I have found to keep thoughts of my sweetheart ever on the forefront of my mind is to create passwords that have something to do with him. There are lots of combinations of letters and numbers to cryptically bring to mind a spouse or loved one as you type the characters into the computer.  Some ideas are i<3_____(name or pet name of spouse), m8s4evr,  iam14you (substitute names or pet names if you like). You get the idea.  Why do I think this is such a good idea?  Well, every time I type the password, it is like sending a little reminder to myself of how much I love my husband, and how important he is to me.

Remembering how much I love my husband and how I cherish our marital vows is an important initial step in keeping relationships with others in proper perspective. It is very important to take every precaution to keep our marriages and spouses at the top of our priorities. There are many influences in the world around us that can tempt and seduce, and we need to always be on guard to prevent even a hint of trouble.  

Wallace Goddard provides a good list of guidelines in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, to help us monitor any actions or thoughts that may prove dangerous to a marriage.

These are some of the areas he says to be aware of to keep marriage covenants secure:

• ·         Be aware of feelings of lust. Control your mind and do not allow lustful or romantic feelings for another man or woman. Do not give in to inappropriate media consumption.
• ·         Be very cautious about spending time alone with someone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse.  You and your spouse should be open with each other and not let anyone else come between you.
• ·         The only person you should be trying to win the affection of is your spouse.   Watch and guard yourself.
• ·         Your heart should dwell only on your spouse. If there is someone other than your spouse who you are worried about, pray for them and turn it over to Heavenly Father.
• ·         Be honest with yourself.  If you are making excuses to continue a relationship that deep down you know is not right, get help. 
• ·         Make sure you spend fun time together with your spouse on a weekly date.  Look for things you can do to make your marriage stronger. Love your spouse the way he or she it. Trust the Lord and be patient.
• ·         Stay strong spiritually. Pray to be able resist temptation (Alma 34:39). Study the scriptures and serve your family and others.
• ·         Enjoy, love, and trust your spouse. Give your whole heart, mind, and body to each other and no one else.

 To keep a marriage strong both partners must actively work to resist any temptations that will come.  We need to remember the prophetic counsel given in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World: “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. . . .” I need to show my husband how important our marriage is to me by loving and caring for him with all my heart.  The words of Brother Goddard tell of a promise that I believe is true. He says:

Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.

 In my small way of using passwords on a daily basis to remind me of my husband and our love for each other, I keep kind and loving thoughts of him at the front of my mind.  This is a fun, easy way to help me remember who and what is truly important in my life.

Charity in Marriage

I believe the secret to happiness in marriage is having charity. When we have charity towards another person we are able to see them as Jesus sees them. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard reminds us how important it is to have charity towards others. He says:

“We choose to see each other the way ordinary mortals see each other,or we choose to see each other the way Jesus sees us.That is charity, the mind of Christ.”

I have a choice in how I see and act towards my husband. Listen to the qualities that define charity as listed in the Book of Mormon.

We learn that Charity: 

• ·         Suffereth long
• ·         Is Kind
• ·         Envieth not
• ·         Seeketh not her own
• ·         Is not easily provoked
• ·         Thinketh no evil
• ·         Rejoiceth not in iniquity
• ·         Rejoiceth in the truth
• ·         Beareth all things
• ·         Believeth all things
• ·         Hopeth all things
• ·         Endureth all things   (Moroni 7:45)

I can think of many times in my marriage when the words from this scripture have helped me overcome the natural person I am inclined to be.  Maybe I was irritated by something my husband did, or by circumstances outside our marriage and I acted without charity. Being charitable does not come naturally to me. It is something that I am constantly working on.  But I believe having charity is essential to a happy marriage. It is, after all, the pure love of Christ. Charity means loving the way Jesus loved.

I think Father in Heaven knew that because it is so important for us to have charity, the pure love of Christ, that it would not come easily to most of us. That is why he instructs us to pray fervently for this divine quality, this gift. We are taught in the scriptures to “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love. . . ” (Moroni 7:48).

This brings me such hope. We are given a list of qualities that will bring us happiness even if they are challenging to do. But we have a way that we can succeed. We are commanded to pray “with all the energy of heart” to have these gifts become part of our lives. The Lord has promised many times in the scriptures that we must “ask, and it shall be given unto you . . .(3 Nephi 14:7).  Our Father wants so very much to bless us, but we must ask so He can give us these qualities.

It is only when we have these Christ-like qualities that we will be able to rise above the natural man our wants.

When we have charity we will be able to think more of our spouse and our marriage than ourselves. Then we will know the secret to a happy marriage.

Helping One Another

Every marriage will have times of stress and disagreement and each marriage partner has his or her own way of managing life and all that comes with it. There will be times when it can seem as if both husband and wife agree on nearly everything, while other times there may be a myriad of differences.

However, if a couple will love and respect each other and commit to help and to be helped by each other, those differences and disagreements will not become so severe as to damage their marriage.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains that: “When a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise.”  

It is important to show respect to your spouse at all times and treat them like royalty even when there is stress at home. It can also take great patience to help one another other.

 

I am reminded of an experience in my marriage when my husband was patient and helped me see how I could become a better person. 

I was under a lot of stress with our children and my church calling and wasn’t handling the situation very well.  Even little things would cause me become short tempered. My sweet, patient husband suggested that he and I go out for some time together, just the two of us. I agreed and we went on our date. But I still had a lot on my mind and wasn’t able to be totally in the moment. While we were out I got a call on my cell phone that I decided I needed to take.  Not even realizing what I was doing, I was very nice and polite to the person who had called me.  When I finished the call, my husband quietly pointed out what had just happened.  I sat quietly for a minute and I realized that I needed to change.  I realized that if I could talk politely to an acquaintance on the phone, then I could make the choice to treat my family better.

Even though my stressful situation didn’t change, I tried to handle it better. I prayed that I would be able to have the strength to use self control to treat my husband and children with respect and politeness. The Lord has taught us that there is no room for contention in our lives. 

Jesus teaches: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father on contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:29-30).

The Lord will help each of us become better and overcome our sins. He has given the commandment to have no contention in our lives.  With the Lord's help and that of our loved ones we can improve. When I was stressed and needed help having more self control and less contention in my life, my sweet husband helped me see how I could do that.

Choose Humility

Today I asked my husband how he thought I would react should he request that I change something to make our marriage better.  He thought for a minute then said that I would probably fall down in astonishment and amazement that he had asked such a thing.  Then I would most likely get back up and say, ”Oh, okay,” and go do it.  Well, we both laughed about that because I am kind of a stubborn person and he is very gentle and kind and rarely asks anything of me. 

I do, however, remember a time many years ago when my husband gave a family home evening lesson to our family, but I recognized that the subject matter was especially for me.  He didn’t say anything specifically to me, but I knew the lesson material was something I needed to work on more than our children, who were young at the time.  I secretly kind of resented his lesson even though I knew I needed to improve in this area.  I was being proud.

In President Benson’s talk, “Beware of Pride,” he reminds us that: “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.” 

 When we are proud we feel that our way is the right way. We feel that we need not change, but instead others should change to accommodate us. Of course, this is pride speaking. 

President Benson further teaches: “The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”

I had been wrong, and I needed to change. It is obvious that I knew my actions needed correcting since I recognized my short comings in my husband’s family home evening lesson.  So I gave myself a little talking to, and worked on overcoming that particular fault. It took work to get over my pride. I needed to make an effort to become more humble and teachable in our marriage.

The words of President Benson teach me every day: “We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.” It is true that the only way I can become the person I want to be is to be willing to change.  Sometimes I may receive promptings from the Spirit on how I should change, or I may recognize behaviors that I need to change after I have read something, such as a book on marriage. I may also receive gentle reminders from my husband.  I just need to be humble enough to recognize where I should change and not let pride get in the way.

*Disclaimer: My husband does not remember giving the family home evening lesson. He says he should have just talked to me about the issue.  Personally, I think I was probably more teachable through the lesson he taught. 

An Eternal Perspective

Earlier this week while driving on a country road I noticed the message board in front of a small Christian church.  It said, “A happy marriage is two people who are really good at forgiving.”  Isn’t that the truth?  We all need to be really good at forgiving every day.  Having faith in Jesus Christ will help us be able to do this.

In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard recounts the experience of Jesus casting out an evil spirit from a young boy.  After the boy’s father implores Jesus to heal his possessed child, Jesus told the father, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23). 

Dr. Goddard says, “The question is not whether Jesus is able to heal. The question is whether we believe in Him.” I love the response from the father of the boy when asked by Jesus if he could believe.  The father cried, “Lord, I believe; help though mine unbelief” (Mark 9:24).  Through faith and belief in Jesus each of us can be healed and be better people.

Many years ago I allowed myself to become angry and worked up over a financial decision in our marriage. I knew I was wrong to be angry, but I couldn’t let go of my evil feelings. I knew that I had to let go of those hard feelings, but I was having such a difficult time doing so.  I struggled to find peace.  I prayed for help to get over this and to be able to forgive. Finally the thought came to me, “Is this amount of money really worth all the anger?  Isn’t your marriage more important than this?”

That was the answer I needed. Yes, I thought, my marriage is much more important than any amount of money.  I needed to repent of my anger.  I needed to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to heal my angry heart. Only when I allowed the Savior to help me become a better person was I able to let go of those evil thoughts.  Faith in my Savior did heal me and I was able to completely forgive.

I am human, and so is my husband. We will make mistakes, and take offense, and have struggles. We must continue to have faith in Jesus Christ and rely on Him to strengthen our marriage.  If we believe and let Him, He will.  When I needed help letting go of anger and frustration the Lord gave me the necessary strength to do so.  I must always rely on the Savior to heal and help me in my efforts to be a better spouse and to have an eternal perspective at all times. 

Sharing is Caring

When my husband and I were newly married we sometimes would play a game to get to know each other better. We were developing our love maps, I suppose.  

I am naturally more talkative and open than he is and so I wanted to get him talking more about himself. He said he would answer any question I asked him and so I would think of all kinds of obscure questions and scenarios and fire away at him.  True to his word he shared his feelings more easily when asked specific questions, and it was great to learn little stories and quirks about him. 

Well, life got busy. Our little family grew.  We experienced many moves, stressful employment situations, and church and community service opportunities--basically real life. It is easy to get too busy and along the way forget to keep up with all the little details of each other’s lives.  Being busy can be a good thing, but being too busy to stay connected is not.  

In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman we learn how to stay connected as a couple through building Love Maps. As I read the questions Dr. Gottman suggested a couple ask each other in order to strengthen their love maps, I realized this is something my husband and I could still work on.  Even though we have been married a long time we need to continue to strengthen our marriage by actively sharing the little and big details of our joys and sorrows. 

When a couple makes the time and effort to keep their marriage and friendship strong by staying interested in each other it will only lead to good things.  I want to avoid the “habit of inattention” that Dr. H. Wallace Goddard warns against in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  We must be careful so that we avoid having “only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses.”  This takes effort and being willing to open up and trust each other.  It also means that we’ve got each other’s back. We need to keep confidences and respect each other’s wishes and weaknesses.

It is important that a husband and wife care more for their spouse than for themselves.  This won’t always come naturally or be easy, but to have a happy marriage it is essential.  This sacrifice will bring so many blessings to the husband or wife who is willing to sacrifice for their beloved spouse.  I loved the quote in Dr. Goddard’s book by Tzvetan Todorov:

“To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

Devoting my time and energy to the well-being of my spouse will only bring happiness to our marriage.  If I can remember this, it will always be worth the effort. There may be times when I let the influence of the adversary sneak in and affect my actions.  I may be in a grumpy mood and not want to listen, or I may feel irritated and not want to open up.  

But this is when I need to remember what repentance is all about.  Repentance means we are willing to change, to let the Lord take our lives and change us for the better.  I love the words of Dr. Goddard concerning repentance:

 “Repentance is simply the process by which we shed the world’s inferior ways and embrace God’s superior ways. We discard our worn, tired old garments in favor of God’s robes of graciousness.”

Sharing thoughts and feelings, listening to my husband and remembering his needs, caring more for him than myself, and recognizing when I need to repent.  These are all good things I can work on that will make my marriage stronger every day. 

Letting Go of the Natural Man

A couple of weeks ago, just as this course was starting, I asked my husband of 35 years, and a recently released bishop, what he thought was the secret of a happy marriage.  He sat quietly thinking for a few minutes and I sat waiting, honestly a little anxious to hear his answer.  

When he spoke, I was a little surprised by what he said.  He said he thought the key to a happy marriage was not to get so worked up over things.  I didn’t have anything to say to that.  I did have a few thoughts running through my head, mostly having to do with me getting a little worked up over his answer.  

I repeated back to him, “Oh, the secret is to not get worked up over things?” 

“Yeah,” he said.  

“Can I quote you on that?” I asked him. 

“Sure,” was his answer.  I didn’t know when I would use his words of wisdom, but I tucked his answer in the back of my mind for future reference.

As I sat contemplating the message of the introduction to Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” and as I read the notes I had jotted down after rereading it, my husband’s answer to my earlier question came to mind.  The main message from Goddard’s introduction is that as we use the Atonement of Christ to let go of our natural man tendencies of looking out for ourselves we can become a changed person.

Goddard says, “When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.”  

I think this is what my husband meant by his answer of “Not getting so worked up over things.”  When a person is living a Christ-like life he or she is more likely to be willing to let things of small consequence go by the wayside. It is easier to let little things that don’t really matter not bother you, or cause you to get angry.

One of my favorite scriptures, one that I often quote to myself when I need a good teaching moment, is about charity, “the pure love of Christ.”  I usually quote from Moroni 7:45, but nearly the same words can be found in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. I learn that “charity. . .is kind, and envieth not, is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked. . . .”  These are good lessons to be reminded of every day.  These are lessons that can be used in marriage.  I have a quote from Elder Marvin J. Ashton hanging in our kitchen that helps remind me what it means to be a charitable spouse.

 

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

Through living the teachings of Christ and loving as Jesus loved, we can let go of our natural man tendencies to get worked up over little things.  We can use the Savior’s teachings in our lives to become more like Him.  We don’t even have to do it alone.  When we go to the Lord in humility, and ask for help to be able to let go of those feelings of frustration or hurt, He will heal us.  He will make us better people.  

Goddard teaches, “The key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person—to be born again—to be a new creature in Christ.” We can rely on the Savior to make each of us a new person, a person that will be able to rise above the natural man tendencies and be a wonderful partner in a marriage. 

Happiness in Marriage

Several years ago I was thinking about and pondering on what makes my life happy.  I came to the conclusion that I was a lot happier when I was doing more to make my marriage stronger.  When I was giving everything I could to make our home and our marriage work, I was happier and our home was happier.

 

I decided that I needed to give 100 percent all the time.  I needed to work as hard as I possibly could in our marriage.  I stopped keeping track in my mind of whose turn it was to do certain tasks, or if I had done what I felt was my fair share of the chores.  I just did all I could in every way.  Some days I was able to do more than other days.  Real life means that every day is different.  I began to notice that my husband was doing all he could in our marriage.  He was doing his 100 percent all along, but now I noticed it more easily.

We have an eternal marriage, and have made covenants that we intend to keep.  We are human, however, and so that means that each of us will make mistakes, but we have learned how important it is to repent often and to forgive quickly.

 

Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his talk “Covenant Marriage” explains that marriage is tested by three kinds of wolves.  One of those wolves is the imperfections of each of the partners in a marriage.  I think we all know how easy it is to see imperfections in ourselves and others.  They often leap out at us on a daily basis.  I have found that I need to be softer and kinder to myself and those around me as we all work on improving.  It is so important to look for the very best in people around us, especially our spouses.  We will find what we look for, and when we look for the best things we will notice them.

I often think of an experience my husband and I had when we were newlyweds.  I had heard or read somewhere that it was a good idea to have a weekly discussion about what could improve one’s marriage.  I had a couple of ideas of what my husband could do differently that I thought would make things better.  I think I shared one of those things in our little discussion and then asked him to tell me what I could do differently.  He was quiet and thought for a minute then said that he thought everything was going great.  Well, I couldn’t say anything more after that.  I was a little miffed that my big plans didn’t work out the way I had intended.

I believe that it is certainly important for a husband and wife to discuss how things are going in their marriage, but it is essential that they do it in a very loving manner and be careful not to point fingers of criticism at one another.  In a covenant marriage husband and wife are more concerned about each other than about themselves.  They are willing to give all they can, even 100 percent, to each other and to their marriage.  This will bring happiness and joy to their lives and to their home. 

What is Marriage?

The recent decision by a majority of Supreme Court justices legalizing same-sex marriage has far-reaching effects for many people.  How is it possible that a small group of highly educated appointed lawyers can make changes to the laws of a country which affect a fundamental social law? A natural law that is the basis in the formation of a family? Marriage has been between a man and a woman throughout civilization and provides a stable home for children to be born and raised.

In his dissenting argument Chief Justice Roberts reminds us that, “The constitution protects a right to marry. . . .The real question. . .is what constitutes “marriage,” or – more precisely—who decides what constitutes “marriage”? Even the majority acknowledges that marriage “has existed for millennia and across civilizations.”  Two terms ago the Court explained, “until recent years, . .  marriage between a man and a woman no doubt had been thought of by most people as essential to the very definition of that term and to its role and function throughout the history of civilization.”

I so agree with Judge Roberts further statement. “The premises supporting this concept of marriage are so fundamental that they rarely require articulation. The human race must procreate to survive. Procreation occurs through sexual relations between a man and a woman. When sexual relations result in the conception of a child, that child’s prospects are generally better if the mother and father stay together rather than going their separate ways. Therefore, for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond. Society has recognized that bond as marriage. And by bestowing a respected status and material benefits on married couples, society encourages men and women to conduct sexual relations within marriage rather than without. As one prominent scholar put it, “Marriage is a socially arranged solution for the problem of getting people to stay together and care for children that the mere desire for children, and the sex that makes children possible, does not solve.”

   

When this decision from the court was made public last summer, I was saddened that these Justices could make such a decision.  I, honestly, had not read the proceedings until recently, but I found that my feelings mirror those of the words of Chief Justice Roberts.  Marriage is to be between a man and a woman. The natural union of this married couple could produce children, and a committed marriage is the ideal situation to raise, teach, and nurture children.

Scripture teaches that God created male and female, and then commanded that man should “cleave unto his wife.” Marriage between a man and a woman is the beginning of a new family, a new unit of society.  God has commanded that sexual relations are to be only within the bonds of marriage.  When this results in the procreation of the species, when children are born to the family, the committed father and mother are in the best position to raise their children.

Any other bond between two people of the same gender is not marriage.  It may be a committed relationship, it may be a declared union, but it is not marriage.  Marriage is the union between a man and a woman.  That does not change simply because five judges decided that the definition should change.     

Preserving Marriage

Quite a few years ago I got a phone call in the middle of the afternoon from a friend. She was very upset and in tears. She had just found confirming evidence that her husband of over 15 years had been having an affair for some time. I was unaware of her troubled marriage, and her news was a shock to me.

Later that evening I talked with my husband about what was going on in my friend’s marriage and gave him a hug, telling him that I was glad that our marriage was strong and that we would never have to worry about something like that happening to us. My husband did something I have never forgotten. He pulled away and put his hands on my shoulders. Very seriously he said that there are no guarantees in a marriage, that it takes work to have a strong marriage. It doesn’t just happen.

Why should couples put forth the effort to repair a troubled marriage or to make their marriage stronger? If two married people feel that they are falling out of love, who does it hurt if they decide they would be happier if they were no longer married? Strong marriages are very important to more than just the couple involved. Research has shown that strong marriages contribute to strong communities. The family is the fundamental unit of society, and a couple working together to have a strong marriage provide stability to their children and each other as well as to the community in which they live.( The State of Our Unions, 2012)

Children who are raised in families where the mother and father are married are more likely to have the advantages of a good education and a happily married life of their own. On the other hand, children who have experienced divorce in their families tend to struggle for years because of it. Studies indicate that these children suffer economically, psychologically, and later in their own marriages. (The State of Our Unions, 2012)

Elder Dallin H Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gives advice to those in troubled marriages. I feel this same advice can be used to keep marriages strong. He says, “Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages. . . . .To avoid so-called “incompatibility,” they should be best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other’s needs, always seeking to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things.”

Elder Oaks continues with his guidance further stating, “ Of course, there can be times when one spouse falls short and the other is wounded and feels pain. When that happens, the one who is wronged should balance current disappointments against the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future.
Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. . . . Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs, to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships.”

This is very valuable advice for every married person.

I also have a few points of advice I would like to offer:

• Be the best person you can be. 
• Pray and read scripture together. 
• Be concerned about the welfare of your spouse. 
• Repent often and forgive quickly. 
• Have fun, dance in the kitchen, sing with the radio. 
• Make time for a date night each week, just the two of you.

A strong marriage is something worth working for. Strong marriages and families make society stronger and more unified.

My husband and me, 1980 to 2015. 

Welcome to my blog!

Welcome to this blog where I will share my thoughts and feelings about things that are important to me. One of the most important things to me is my marriage and my family.